I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
