oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
