My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
