You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
