i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
