I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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