Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
