My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
