So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
