i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
it's like heaven, but drunker
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
