What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
