my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
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i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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