Need sex. Gaining weight.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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