don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
