Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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