I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
