I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
