The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
