you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
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We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
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Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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