We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
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i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
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I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
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