There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I got inside last night via doggy door
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
