quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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