My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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