A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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