I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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