I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Is Oprah even human
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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