no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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