I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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