The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
