She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
