I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Did I show you my penis last night?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
