An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
