Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
