ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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