i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
