I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You need Xanax blowdarts
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
