someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
