I CAN MOONWALK!
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
