Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize