the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
