Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
