addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
