i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
