i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
