You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
