I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
