I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
