Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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