oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
