I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
