You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
