yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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