I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
