I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
