Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
