You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
