How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
