oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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