For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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